Animated Atrocities 136/Transcript
"I've got this hot new idea for a sitcom: You know how every, single sitcom ever is about a happy, loving couple with kids, taking on the world by sticking together? Well, what if we subvert the hell out of that? of The Simpsons, Family Guy, Glenn Martin, Rick and Morty, and Home Improvement play I mean, it's so genius, why has no one ever done this before? This is the perfect way to be original! You know how every father in the media ever is a well-put together, loving family leader? What if we make him a slovenly idiot that never wanted anything to do with his kids? What if he even resents them because he had dreams of being some kind of sports superstar that he had absolutely no chance of even being? When his wife got pregnant at 16? And because abortions don't exist in the world of fiction, they decided to get married as soon as possible before they actually knew each other? And because the mother is basically forced to raise another giant child on her own, because this man is so beaten by life that he refuses to develop in any way, she's become a neurotic mess! This has gotta be the most original thing in the world! Good thing it's 1989!" Man: That's brilliant! A couple of years ago, I reviewed Glenn Martin, and when I did, I ranted on this typical sitcom formula. We all have formulas and cliches that piss us off, and this is definitely mine. To me, the 'idiot father married to the in charge to the point of neurosis woman, regretting their life choices and their shattered dreams while the in-laws drive them insane' is basically the sitcom equivalent of 'zombies' to me. It was the basic premise behind Glenn Martin; and The Simpsons; and Family Guy; and Malcolm in the Middle; and Everybody Loves Raymond; and Home Improvement. Tim Allen: Eugh? Actually, Home Improvement is a funny story: they follow this concept so closely, that the idea that Jill might have been wrong once was actually a big enough event that it led to the plot of an entire episode! I'm not even kidding. While yes, this kind of sentiment is still around today, it's nowhere near as bad now as it was a long time ago. This type of show was the default in every sitcom, in every commercial since as long as I can remember. I mean, on some level, I understood the appeal: there was a desire to reflect reality, especially in the edgy 90s, and all throughout the 90s and 2000s, marriage didn't exactly have a good rap, with rising divorce rates and more and more people's dysfunctions being widely broadcasted on reality television shows and then the Internet. mode And as we all know, everyone watches television to see a perfectly accurate representation of not just life, but their own life, especially if it's shitty! Today, we're going to be taking a look at an obscure little gem, the cartoon Committed. Committed is an interesting little piece from the early 2000s. theme plays And by interesting, I mean it's one of the most cliche and boring sitcoms in existence. At times, it feels like the parody that Horsing Around was just for the trends in the next decade. The most interesting thing about this cartoon is its inception. Back in the turn of the century, a lot of different networks were trying to make cartoons based on comic strips. Dilbert got one, Baby Blues got one, and Committed got one. It's telling that Garfield is just about the only one that has actually survived. But I haven't seen the others at the time of this review, so I don't really have any comparison. I mean it looks enough like the other ones. I have read the earlier Committed comic strips, but they don't have very much to do with this show. Characters don't tend to act the same, the stories are different, and in the cartoon, the children are aged up and now they have a 3rd child. So I suppose this takes place after the comic, even though the animated series only aired in 2001, and the comic series lasted until 2006. One difference that is immediately apparent is that in the comics, the parents kind of did their job equally. Here's an image from the title sequence of the cartoon: doing stupid stuff with a cassette Walkman in his underwear while the Price is Right loser horn plays plays That's our father! He's an idiot!! You knew that was coming. Are people still wondering why less and less people are interested in getting married? I mean, when every single comedian and every single joke and everyone who has anything to say about marriage only has something negative to say about it, could you really be surprised anymore? As you can see, the show starts with one of the worst changes between the comic and the cartoon: the dog. In the animated series, he constantly breaks the 4th wall even though no one can hear him. He gives jokes in a tired tone that just sounds annoying, and the show treats him as if he's sagely wise. The episode we're gonna be taking a look at is "Two Minutes to Paradise", and it's 22 minutes of Hell. Now stop me if you've heard this one before: Joe: It doesn't get any better than this. The episode is about the father forgetting about, and then procrastinating, on something about romance; so he can watch a sports game! ''This episode has aged poorly in more ways than one. I'm sitting here and I'm like 'DVR the damn thing!', then I remember that DVR didn't exist in 2001, and then I think 'Tape it to a VHS!' For the love of God, put a Fisher-Price pixel-vision camcorder in front of the screen! This is a problem that was solved in the 80s! And, ever since, we've gotten better ways of doing it! It's the common sense move to record something like this when you have a prior obligation and watch it later. It's an option that is never addressed in the episode and it continually annoys me. Joe says that there are 2 minutes in the sports game and after it's over, he'll get ready to go to a fancy restaurant. This entire episode is predicated on that 1 joke. Which, honestly, I think is a bad idea in principle, predicating an entire episode on 1 joke. Because it's only rarely as funny as the writer thinks it is. Telling the story now, in 2017, would be horribly passe, however in 2001, when this came out, it's literally the same joke that everyone else had been telling for over a decade. And if it was ever funny, it was before I was born. Liz, the mother, asks Joe to watch their son while she gets dressed. He doesn't do that because it's absolutely hilarious to have a father more invested in a sports game than his own children. Nicholas, the son, immediately follows Liz so Joe is in trouble. Speaking of one-note jokes, every scene with Nicholas in the entire show basically has him wanting to do something traditionally seen as feminine. That is his entire character! And yes, he wasn't in the comic strips. They added a character who wasn't in the comic strips specifically to tell this one particular joke over and over again. Also, it was at a time when King of the Hill was still making new episodes and this was kind of one, tiny facet of Bobby Hill's character. Maybe the other kids will fare better. After all, they had years of development before the show. Unfortunately, in the cartoon they've got about 1 personality between the 2 of them, and it suffers from a lot of the same problems that people have when writing children that I pointed out on my Brian's A Bad Father" review. It's really prevalent. One of them wants to go to cheerleader camp and the other one wants to go to a concert. That happens to be in Hawaii. Liz says no to the both of them. '''Zelda': Can I go to the Saucy Boys concert? Liz: Where is the concert? Zelda: Hawaii. Liz: No, you cannot. And besides, if I just said no to Tracy, what makes you think I'll say yes to you? The requests aren't anywhere near equivalent. Asking to go to Hawaii is pretty fucking crazy, but asking to go to cheer camp? That's something that a lot of young girls get to do. Anyway, Zelda asks how her mother met her father. Which, honestly, might round this type of show out a bit. Like, the biggest questions in these types of shows is "Why the FUCK did you ever get together in the first place if you have nothing in common and everything about your actions tells me that you hate each other's guts?" Zelda is asking this question because she has a 1,000 word essay due tomorrow. Zelda: I need to get the last minute adrenaline rush to get my creative juices flowing. That's how Daddy does it. Liz: Your father has some good qualities you might consider emulating. You know, I'm gonna need some evidence of that to know that you're not fucking delusional. So, the parents met at a dance because of course they did; it-it's always the fucking dance! Woman: ...like support a worthy cause. And meet the guy who'll take you away from these things. You know that as she says that she's standing in front of a sign that says STDs, right? I'm sorry but that's just funny to me, and I'm pretty sure it's not even intentional. Anyway, this story is interrupted by Joe claiming that he's in pain. Liz: Is it your back? Are you ok? Wait a minute. Joe has back problems and you threatened to make him sleep on the couch. You do know that sleeping on the couch can cause back problems, right? And it can exacerbate them! Yeah, even the things you see a million times in these sitcoms, probably shouldn't be done in real life. Because everything about this is just bullshit. But no, Joe was talking about sports because that wasn't predictable at all. So the kids come in and ask for cheerleader camp once again, and Joe says yes because plays "That's Our Father! He's An Idiot!!" And that causes friction. And how the hell did anyone find this interesting or endearing? Yeah, the beginning signs of a fracturing marriage and people realizing that they've wasted their lives makes for some Grade-A television viewing. Liz says that they go on date nights to talk about these kind of things. Because healthy and happy couples only talk to each other on rare and scheduled occasions. After all, this is the idea of Liz, the well-put-together individual. Liz: Instead of your face to the TV, and my face to the back of your head, we haven't had a real conversation in 6 days, 1 hour, and 2 minutes. Don't you two share a bed? You know, when you're not forcing your husband who has back problems to sleep on the couch. Maybe you two share a dinner table. What about a car? I'm-I'm sorry, that's not really believable unless there are already deeper problems to this marriage. If it's a joke, the delivery is way too off. And that's actually a continual problem throughout this entire episode. If any of these are jokes, the delivery is horrible. These people sound like they're about to fall asleep, not like what they're saying is about to be funny. I mean, all this really does is tell me that Liz is neurotic and Joe is apathetic. Which I already knew because I'm watching a sitcom from the early 2000s! Liz: Ok. Ok. Just check with me before you attempt any actual parenting. And you're surprised when he didn't want to watch Nicholas. You want to take responsibility? Fine, take all the responsibility! Liz: Kids can spot when their parents aren't on the same page. You just can't have it both ways. Communication takes two, and it can't always happen according to your schedule, unfortunately. And Liz occasionally has these Doug-like fantasies. Here, we get one about couples therapy. Therapist: There's a serious lack of communication in your marriage. And Liz is concerned that, if not dealt with, you and she will continue to drift apart, and lead parallel, yet separate, lives until you die. Is this supposed to be funny because it's like ironic or something? She's complaining that Joe isn't communicating, even though she's using vague terminology and innuendo and expecting other people to understand. I'd assume that that was the case, except that Liz is mainly our POV character, and we're supposed to see the world through her ''eyes. You know what? As your couples therapist, I suggest you get a divorce. And of course, right after this conversation, Joe says yes to Zelda's request to the concert. And during this, Joe misses the score of the game and he starts crying about it. Guess you should have been recording the damn television! God, how did people live before video streaming? '''Joe:' I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. Liz: Do you know what you're apologizing for? Joe: No. But I found that saying 'I'm sorry' early and often seems to help my position. mode You two have an absolutely astounding marriage! Continually walking on eggshells, not knowing what upsets your partner is the secret to wedded bliss. Liz: Well, if you can't figure it out yourself, I'm certainly not going to spell it out for you. mode I'm sorry, but you married a man in a sitcom. He's a poor, uneducated creature who can't think for himself. It might actually be necessary for you to do so. Proper care and consideration is the only way to train him properly. Sorry if I sound just a teensy bit agitated, but I just know too many people who think that this is what a real marriage is supposed to look like. I mean, I'm getting angry at wider trends, I understand that. But it doesn't make any particular item from the wider genre any more tolerable. Joe: I shouldn't have answered Tracy without checking with you first. So what happens if Liz is, say, away at work, and it's an emergency and the question needs to be answered now? Like, say if she has an allergy? Call me a radical, but I have this extreme notion that fatherhood is a little more complicated than doing nothing but saying 'listen to your mother' at everything your kid says. Tracy once again asks for cheerleader camp, while Nicholas has been licking plates that Liz only just noticed. So Nicholas follows you up the stairs because Joe didn't notice him, and we're gonna have to go hard on him for that. But you ignore Nicholas for longer, allowing him to lick plates, which have grease, grime, and possibly soap on them, and we're just gonna flat out ignore that, huh? Joe: What did I miss? Zelda: They make a van with a television in it! Will you buy it? Joe: No. Zelda: Don't you have to check with Mom before you answer? Joe: No... Well, I mean... theme plays um... No So, Zelda goes on about asking Joe how he met their mother, and they stand around asking about the past for 9 seasons. Joe: How's the adrenaline rush? Zelda: I haven't blinked in an hour! mode As you can tell by this highly energized animation, and Zelda's highly exaggerated expression! Joe: Would you like to dance? Liz: Um.. uh... Sure, why not? I'm guessing that's how the marriage proposal went too. Ugh. Let's-let's just check back with Tracy and Liz's conversation about cheer camp. Liz: Cheerleading is a sexist pseudo-sport that perpetuates the role of women as irrelevant spectators on the sidelines of life. Okay! Number one: cheerleading was so male-dominated, that women weren't allowed to join the team until the 1930s. And it didn't become female-dominated until men were deployed for World War II! Two: the argument from people like you, that cheerleading is not a sport, makes it ranked as one of the most dangerous sports for young women. Because, you know, flipping in the air like that and doing stunts, not only does that take a lot of rehearsal, training, skill, and effort -- you know like a sport would -- but it's also actually kind of dangerous. It's actually more dangerous than the football players they cheer on, because football players get to wear this shiny new invention called armor! And if cheerleading was classified as a sport, which people like you and the businesses taking advantage of this to keep costs down, safety regulations could be vastly improved. But if young girls getting broken limbs, concussions, and possibly even becoming paralyzed is worth your moral outrage, then that's absolutely fine. If you want to argue sexism, fine, but do your fucking research, and no, Bring It On doesn't count! Well, it counts about as well as this show does for actual fucking marriage. Liz: Joe, I-I think Tracy may be having problems with her self-esteem. So, you don't think he's competent enough to grant his children the right permissions, but you do think that he's competent enough to help with a young girl's self-esteem problems? mode You sound like a very pleasant person to live with! Joe: whining But I'm trying to watch the end of the game here! "Please, mommy. I promise I'll be good and do all of my chores!" mode You also sound like a wonderful human being to live with. So, now we're introduced to the mother-in-law. Now, because this is a sitcom, the in-laws hate the guts of the person their child married. No actual, substantive reason except 'they're not good enough for you', and believe me, these two are perfect for each other. And she comes into the plot to, I guess, expand on the backstory of how these two lovebirds met. It's a scene that doesn't go anywhere. Mother-in-law: Who doesn't like cheerleading? I think it's a wonderful idea. You wanna go? Liz: The only place she's going is her room. Tracy: Why? I didn't ask if I could go to camp. I just asked if Dad saw anything wrong in going! Mother-in-law: She's right Liz: Mom, it's not your place to interfere. Tracy, go to your room! Why is she here again? Oh yeah, to babysit the kids while Joe and Liz are out on their date. And then they devolve into arguing. Sarcasm Oh good! I love married people arguing! It's my favorite thing in the world to watch!! Then we get another fantasy that goes nowhere. Because healthy couples constantly play mind games with each other. I get that, on some level, this is supposed to be a joke. Actually, no I don't. If all of this is a joke, it's the same note hit over and over again. Like, pressing the same key on a piano hoping each one sounds less grating than the last. If this is trying to relate to reality, this is not what a successful or normal marriage should look like. This just goes on and on, and with Zelda going on about the backstory, it's clear that they're going for a 'Aww, they really do love each other, and it's little moments like this that make everything else bearable' message. Which is honestly a terrible sentiment. The only way these people wouldn't be utterly miserable in their day-to-day existence seems to be just to succumb to it! It's actually kind of soul-sucking to watch. Eventually, to cool down, Liz goes outside where their neighbors are relaxing. And of course, the husband is watching sports because, as we all know, every man becomes a brainless zombie hypnotized to the screen whenever a sports game comes on. Seriously, I'm not even joking: whenever there's a sports game, there's this little blinking noise in my head that continually gets louder, and it won't stop until I plant my butt in the chair and tune in to the sports channel. It's actually a really big pain in the ass considering that I can't stand sports. I mean, I shouldn't get too mad. The show is only implying that men are stupid and they never improve and they're addicted to sports on arrival. It's not outright stating anything like that. Neighbor: Joe's a man. They're simple creatures. But they can be wonderful companions as long as you don't have unrealistic expectations. Liz: How will I know that my expectations are realistic? Neighbor: When you don't have any. time I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. Are you sure that you're not talking about a fucking dog? Even as a joke I can't figure out why anyone would find this funny or endearing or charming or even interesting. I think that the logic is that the show is continually winking at the audience saying, 'You know what we're talking about! Yeah, this is how your husband or wife kinda acts!' But if this somehow relates to your life, even as a parody, I kind of feel sorry for you. So beaten down by your partner's failure to improve, that you're forced to accept your miserable lot in life wasting time. Yes, if you're married, you do have to accept some of your partner's flaws, and we all got 'em. But that's not what they say. 'He's a man, so you should have no expectations whatsoever. No expectations in your partner, and only then will you truly be happy.' And, man or woman, who really wants to hear that?! This line of thinking straight up leads to miserable lives where no one is happy! A person that doesn't want or care to improve tends to fall into listless hedonism, wasting their life and amounting to nothing, and the people who accept them as doing nothing find themselves slowly being drained into the growing, vapid pit! Liz tries to talk to Joe, but because sports, he doesn't say anything. And nothing happens so she goes upstairs to talk to her mother. Actually, no she doesn't. She just walks back downstairs. And by accident, he says that Tracy can't go to cheerleader camp because he's yelling at a sports game. But when followed up, he says that Tracy can go to camp as long as it's not a cult. And the grandmother says that he's right. We learn that Liz won't let Tracy go to cheerleading camp because of something that happened to Liz in her own childhood. Because she is the person with the well-put-together life and has all of her flaws in check. And then everything breaks down into an argument because, these two are miserable people. Then, randomly, Zelda comes in and asks how the two of them fell in love. It was long ago when Liz came down with the flu. Liz: Joe! What about the game? Joe: Oh forget the game! My little punkin is more important than any game! You know, they say that our memories alter due to things like suggestions, or our current desires, or... Liz & Joe hug Great! Your marriage is based on some kind of reverse Florence Nightingale effect. All you need to do is come down with a terminal illness and Joe will be continually by your side. Joe: Well, I know you don't believe it right now, honey, but I still feel that way. ''You have given us no evidence to that fact, and I have no reason to believe you! ''Then they go out on their date, and Liz lets Joe watch television because, the secret to a happy marriage is never expecting your partner to improve. This was painful! To be fair, the other episodes of this cartoon are nowhere near as bad as this. But even taking them into consideration, I could see why this only lasted 13 episodes: the pacing is too slow, the characters don't have very much depth, and it borrows heavily from other shows at the time. You can see quite a bit of The Simpsons, some of King of the Hill in it, surprisingly more so than the original comic it was based on. And they have a very hard time letting you know that what they're talking about is a joke. The original comic was much better than this. For one, the marriage was actually functional, Liz wasn't insanely neurotic, and Joe wasn't insanely apathetic. But we gotta make this for television, so we gotta do everything that everybody else is doing. Yeah, my guess is the show was made like this to cash in on trends that should've been dead by 2001. Seriously, this formula is just incredibly juvenile and incredibly toxic too. Like I said, there are plenty of people who think that marriage should or does look like this. I know that family living isn't always the most perfect or the most jolly thing in the world -- there are difficulties and arguments and harshness and the kind of stuff you'd be dealing with living with any human being for an extended period of time -- but, you know, there should be a reason these two people are together. But the show about a married couple that should clearly get a divorce isn't endearing and it never has been. It's just consistently annoying. Especially when they're as formulaic as this. I'm not expecting something like Full House, or The Brady Bunch, or Horsin' Around, but I would like to see a couple, once in a while, that I actually wanted to stay together. I shouldn't be enlivened when I see something like Beth and Jerry get divorced. 'Oh, but it's realistic.' Okay, is this a documentary? No, it's not a documentary; it's a situational comedy. And unless you're making something to expose the harsh reality of the world, you should never sacrifice enjoyment on the Altar of Realism. If I want to see reality, I'll go outside. You need to show me something new on the table and make me not want to jam pencils in my ears, because I'm fucking sick of the bickering! Two people squabbling is not, and has never been, interesting or fun to watch. I'm done here. Maybe next time, I'll review something that doesn't literally insult me! Category:Transcripts Category:Season 5